A great morning, short-lived

I ejected myself from bed this morning with the same reluctance that always occurs at 4:30 a.m., but I felt good. During my commute, I wrote a quick blog entry about gratitude for warm showers and hot coffee.

At the risk of announcing cynicism in the guise of self-awareness, I also recognized that this springlike feeling of effervescent ebullience always (always!) precedes an equal and swift downward shift in circumstance and/or mood, back to top-dead center. Sadly, I was right again: while the warm water held out, I had no sooner looked down adoringly at my travel mug than I realized it still contained the warm water with which I had rinsed and warmed it to prepare for said coffee.

I also pressed the "Back" link in my Blogger interface during the entry of my post and without a blink, my post about gratitude was lost to the ages. No prompt of: "Are you sure you want to toss this post out like yesterday's garbage?" Just gone.

So in case you're wondering why my early morning non-prayer of thanks didn't include technology, it's because I wasn't feeling too grateful at the time.

Harumph!

Stupid

I feel so stupid. Stress produced rage, which produced destruction, which produced shame, which now produces stress, again. Ugh - brilliant.

I'm embarrassed at it. I don't want to discuss it with my loved one - why give my wife more evidence that she's married a fool? When I can't talk things out, I literally can not get them out. So, it recirculates within my systems, knotting my gut and haunting my psyche.

I can spoon some of it out here in my blog, which helps in small measure.

People must wonder how I can be comfortable noting in bright public relief things I am scared to admit in private. The answers are that I have a low estimation on humanity as the faceless, slobbering throng that it insists on proving itself to be. You inhuman rabble, I don't care what you think of me.

Paradoxically, people who have shown me kindness and friendship, even of a virtual kind, I trust you with my oddness, my pains, my secrets, my shames. I would gladly hand a knife to a friend and confidently turn my back. What good are these bonds if they can't be relied upon now and then?Thank you for listening.

TGIF

When I was a school-aged child, I couldn't wait for three o'clock so that I could be free to play as I wished. I would stare at the clock and fiercely will it to shuffle along its way. I should have been more careful as to what I wished for.

Now that I'm 40, my days flip by like the pages of a book left open in a storm. It's Monday. It's Friday. It's Monday again.

I drive in the dark and marvel at the natural wonders of the morning landscapes, both plain and mystic with their Navy blue sky, surreal moon and creeping, glow-eyed, nocturnal fauna that most people rarely experience.

I dream of pulling over, exiting my car, my life as it now exists, and giving myself over to the haunting call of the not-yet-dawn.

I fantasize about sneaking away from my carefully, yet precariously planned life, stacked like river rocks, in a blurry, secret agent-style departure, slipping away to a new, more exciting chapter that doesn't resemble this one at all. A bon vivant in Paris. An artist in the City with intense, creative friendships and long, compelling discussions and passionate arguments that last into the dawn and solve all the world's problems and dance around the most utterly frivolous nothings with equal reverence.

The longing is persistent and distracting. I fail to resolve two truths I feel in my heart: one, that I am leading a life unprecedentedly fortunate among those of my species, even in this "modern" age. A life full of love and family and ease and comfort and opportunity. The other, that life is short, too short to always choose the bird in the hand, that my brother died at what we consider a young age without finding a true love or a passionate pursuit, a fire into which he could willingly and joyously feed the fuel of his body, mind and time. What a sad prospect.

Turning forty has been a wondrous existential catastrophe. Fairly to the day of my life's anniversary, I was struck as if by a lighting bolt with an added dimension of perception. I felt like a hiker who had paused to look back at the mountain he had half-climbed, having only seen it from the start of his journey until now. How small the routes look from up here. How lucky I was to survive some scrapes in hindsight. But most of all the way the entire journey is cast in a different light in view of my experiences so far, throwing into doubt not only the routes I take next but the entirety of the goal itself!

One of the lessons I have learned is that I am never satisfied. Even as I near a goal (when I am persistent enough to have neared it, which is too rare), I am bewitched by other twinkling distractions, drawing me away and leaving me unfulfilled, my current prize nearly but not quite achieved.

And so when I look my mid-life crisis in the face, I am powerless to recognize it for what it is. Is it the gauzy Muse, screaming truth at me across the void, gesturing madly that I may listen and follow my true course in life? Or is it a fiendish siren song, a lovely, heart-rending beseeching that I would stray and guide my little ship away from calm seas and fair weather and onto the rocks, and lament my stupidity and loss as I slip beneath the waves?

I am wholly powerless to discriminate; I truly cannot tell the difference, and at times the agony of indecision is exquisite.

Don't be so glum - it's Friday!

It's a new year, and I'm off to a very mixed start, with positives and negatives coming from unexpected places. This is a good thing I guess, as at least it's not boring.

On the downside (so I can finish with the "ups"), my intentions to eat healthy and get more exercise have gone right in the shitter. The same habits and weaknesses and struggles with discipline don't give a dry fuck whether it's a new year, they just want what they want, and they're getting it. Hope springs eternal, where there's life there's hope, and tomorrow's another day. Three cliches oughtta do it. But obviously, I cling to the idea that I can always try again tomorrow, as long as there's another tomorrow in me.

On the other hand, comedy started January off with a big show in a big room in a new place, and not only did I do a pretty good job performing, I earned a little respect from my booker, I stretched and did more time than I'm used to and earned a little for myself. Best of all, I basked in the company and hospitality and dare-I-say-it love of some good friends while I was in their area. I haven't had a non-family member say "I missed you" and mean it in longer than I can remember.The effect was startling and warm. Wow, as a social misfit, you sometimes forget what you're missing, which is probably an excellent coping mechanism, and so for the best. Still, I was awash in the glow of genuine, unexpected affection. How do I show my appreciation for that, and pay it back in kind? I'm not good at that.

Also, I'm working on getting an open mike together in my area, hopefully strengthen my performing muscles. This has come along with a small but healthy breakthrough in my attitude towards performing, and I hope that I can capture this and develop it. These types of mental changes are mercurial, and can slip away if not acted upon, so we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, happy new year out there, people. It's looking like a good launch to a wobbly vessel on this year's journey. See you on the high seas!

Input is key

I have to take a moment and acknowledge some gratitude.

My wife bought me this wireless Bluetooth keyboard I asked for for Christmas, and I love love love it!

If you're wondering which model, it's an "iAccessory" jobber available on Amazon. I don't know that I would love another model more or less, I think I just love the ability to type into my iPhone.

I have hated the iPhone "virtual keyboard" since the moment I began using it. Given my predilection for text-based creativity, it may be partially to blame for the lack of new material on many fronts. I forced myself to sit down this morning and type a few words with it, and before I knew it, I'd banged out enough new material that I'm looking forward to going to my next comedy open mike, which has't happened in months!

I already have a laptop and sit in front of a keyboard at work all day, but those situations don't allow my brain to slip into the right gear for creating. With this new doo-hickey, I combine the finger-jamming ease of use of a full-sized keyboard with the portability, and "instant-on" flexibility of my iPhone, and i am able to steal the free time to work a few things out.

Bliss!

San Francisco

We went to Pier 39 in San Francisco yesterday, shopped the outdoor mall and had a good time. We took Michelle's nephew James along, and I'm glad we did. He's grown up with a good heart and strong sense of humor. Plus, he bought me a beer; that always helps.

We caught a street performance by a performer who worked juggling into a love-triangle skit. It was a little forced, but she was lively and charming enough. I tipped her a fiver, and I gave Brian a buck to tip her, too. Brian started out cranky, but she had won him over by the end.

We saw the seals, Brian and Michelle went on a cool Merry Go Round, and I got to eat a fantastic chocolate dessert crépe that Brian "shared" with me after swearing he didn't want one. That's ok, I pulled the same trick when he got an ice cream ten minutes later!

It was a beautiful day out.

Life + creativity = mixed results

It's the end of another week. It seems like that should mean something, but I'm not sure what that is.

As with all of my weekends of late, I try to make something of them, but my planning is almost entirely spur-of-the-moment, meaning very little of my weekend equals more than the sum of its parts. Without long- or medium-term planning, results remain basic and difficult to build upon.

I had this inspiration to restart my idea to create a podcast, and things started out okay. I had some online brainstorming sessions with a fellow comedy enthusiast, and one in-person meeting. We agreed on the basics, and I brought some ideas to the table I could feel good about.

While I had hoped to begin taping today, life got in the way.  I got the equipment set up and tested, so the basics were in place. However, my partner didn't show and I didn't get all the pre-production finished that I would have liked.

I'm trying to focus on the positive these days, and I can take heart in that I've gotten closer to my goal than I was a few, blurry weeks prior.

Onward... I guess.

What a week

It's the end of the week.

What's more, it's the end of a vacation week, and in advance of my vacation I had promised myself that I wouldn't end it by having nothing more to show for it than a pile of clean laundry.

As I write this, I am finishing up a load of whites.

But: I am resolute in pointing out that although I didn't take a class, nor visit an exotic locale, neither was the time wasted.  I spent all of Monday and other times this week with my son, playing and talking and playing some more. There's a deficit there that needed addressing, and we both benefited from it.

I downloaded and read from top-to-bottom Chris Hardwick's "The Nerdist Way - How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life)."  I thoroughly enjoyed this book.  It helps that I've been a fan of Hardwick's for years, cementing an affection for his ethos and his personality.  Not only is he funny and smart, he is also sincere and sufficiently deep that I would pay for his advice on how to improve my own mental/physical/spiritual throughput. I'm glad that I did.

This detour into self-improvement is part of a building and evolving need within me, an acknowledgment that well, shit is fucked up around here (around here being inside my head and anywhere within my realm of influence). I'm dissatisfied with so many things these days, even with the results of past efforts to change them over the medium-term.

It reminds me of my reaction to news of someone's suicide (anyone's in general). It's a common and healthy reaction, perhaps you've had it as well. Upon hearing that someone took their own life out of depression and desperation, you think to yourself: "How could someone do that? My God, if things are that bad, you can always..." with the "dot, dot, dot" being progressively more outrageous options to snuffing out the only life you're guaranteed to have. Things like: like changing your name, shaving your head and moving far, far away; anything that breaks the cycle of desperation.

It's funny though; that cycle looks different from the inside. I'm not suicidal or even depressed, but I've been fairly desperate lately, for a good while.  Things have been unsatisfying for some time, for more than one reason. One reason is that I'm just not pleased with my current situation as a whole.

Another is my inability to appreciate the good things with which I am surrounded on a daily basis (which I know is stupid, but there it is).  I've got family who cares about me, friends also, and a full-time job that could be way, way worse, even aside from not having one at all. Part of the problem is that all these great pieces don't fit together; it's like they're parts from different puzzles, and I can't figure out why my beautiful city skyline has a blue whale in the middle of it.

Finally, I've tried to deal with this uncomfortable arrangement of mental furniture by inebriating myself, numbing my head to the aforementioned "yuck" sensations. Not too much, but more than is good. Sadly, it hasn't worked to a sufficient degree, and what's worse, it has seriously eroded into the qualities I liked about myself: my intellect, and my sense of humor.  Without these, I am nothing.

In addition to intoxication, I just eat like crap most of the time, get almost no exercise and treat myself like a cheap rental car in general. It all came into focus this week during a dental exam where the results of a year's shitty maintenance threw bad teeth, gums and high blood pressure to the forefront. Do you know how bad it must be when a dentist stops and says: "Hmm, let's stop and check your BLOOD PRESSURE?" Not even in this guy's wheelhouse.  This is like a chiropractor saying: "Let's set your spine aside and examine this GAPING WOUND for a minute." It's gotta be pretty bad.

And so this week, I've had time and presence of mind to get my head's shit together, enough to make a few rational, calm decisions.  This has given me some hope, which in turn helps me make better decisions, etc.

Happily and by the way, I've had an acquaintance ("friend?" I guess you could say that) respond to a recent anguished cry into the universe (or as I call it: "Facebook") with a sympathetic pat on the back and  a supportive nod. I could have cried when I received this unexpected gesture of solidarity, and it meant the world to me. This is to say nothing of the oodles of bolstering provided by my wife and some others in my regular realm of social interaction, but the unexpectedness of it was truly touching.

I don't want to overstate it, but this week has certainly seen a definite improvement.  And I didn't even have to shave my head!

Rubber neckers

Rubber neckers
Rubber neckers
With your little rubber peckers

Is a lane closed, perhaps construction?
 We dawdle in a road without obstruction

Drive, drive!
Just drive.

Like a school of retarded fish
You seem to forget our common wish

To achieve on time our destination
I'm astounded by your procrastination

Is someone hurt, is someone dead?
My front row seat for a pulverized head

Your halting progress makes no sense
Pausing to gawk at cars with dents

If dented cars you wish to see
Just press the gas, and look at me

Beautiful day

Such bliss today. Influences include the chemical, the meteorological, the musical, the circumstantial, and maybe the most important, the whimsical.

Whatever the reasons, I'll take the chatter of birds to the left, the equally boisterous chatter of family to my right, and the burgeoning sunset dead ahead. I'm not given to emotional hysterics, but moments like these prick my eyes with emotion.

It's a beautiful day.

FU, FB

I very nearly dumped my Facebook account this past weekend.

"How can that be?" a voice in my head cries out. "Facebook has the power to connect people all across the planet, make images available from children to Grandmas to cousins alike, empowers small businesses to have a presence on the web for free where in the past they had nothing!" My split personality makes a good point, even as it becomes indignant.

And yet, for all the potential of Facebook, I've never met anyone there from a distant land, never formed a meaningful connection that wouldn't have been formed without Facebook.

What I have done however, is wasted countless hours clicking and browsing and gaping at the goings-on of people on my social periphery, juuust relevant enough to justify a phrase I had never used before Facebook: "time suck." Facebook holds an allure barely-sufficiently tantalizing to trick the brain into believing that the time spent staring dumbly at all the on-screen words and pictures is a useful endeavor, while the truth is that porn or cereal commercials or YouTube videos of kittens climbing into shoes are more productive.

The downsides don't stop there. While I can't be sure, I suspect that my frequent, long-form blog entries, the writing of which gave me so much joy, were truncated and subjugated and pacakged like Velveeta cheese into "status updates," the literary version of "The Jersey Shore." Just having the optional outlet of Facebook statuses seemed to divert the flow of my creativity, a turn of events that I still smartly lament, whatever the true cause.

Getting back to the unfulfilled potential of Facebook: just why is it that people do not reach out of their narrow social avenues and make friends in other countries or social strata? Granted, Facebook does a globe-hopping virtual tourist no favors -- have you ever tried to search for something or someone you didn't already know? A true Facebook search is still maddening, to this day.

Even so, the lack of broad interaction cannot be laid largely at Mark Zuckerburg's feet. I have found an iPhone app called "Wander" that hooks people together from different countries. I made a friend recently in the Netherlands; once we exchanged some personal details and became pals, we connected on Facebook and he is now free to witness the quizzical madness I exhibit there. However, we never would have met if were left up to Facebook alone.

There are some things that Facebook provides for which I am glad. I am glad that I can share images, videos, events and thoughts across the Internet in a format that children and old ladies can navigate, and that it is ostensibly free. I am glad that I can keep in touch with my daughter and her new baby, even if we don't make the most of it. I am glad that my friends have an outlet for themselves; some of them would never have exposed themselves in such a way without Facebook.

But for me, it's time for a step back; an acknowledgement that the currently-most-popular social platform has its limitations; a recognition that the web offers myriad other choices for self-expression and connections to other humans; and a renewed interest in an old friend, my blog.

And if I don't have a significant increase in the frequency or length of new blog postings, I'll feel like a real dick.

In a bad place

What a mess I've been in lately. As a snapshot, I'm barreling down the highway at 72mph, the potholes are brutally grudge-fucking my tires and suspension, I've got a stress headache and I'm not really looking forward to getting home.

How did I get here?? I don't get headaches! I've got a lot on the ball, plenty to be happy about and grateful for, and I'm utterly miserable. I'm supposed to be too smart to allow myself to get into such a predicament, and yet here I am.

I have a definite, yet inexplicable sense that I'm going like Hell, but in the wrong direction. What's more, that if I could tune into some inner monologue and listen, the perfect answer is available to me. But I'm having serious trouble tuning in to that signal.

Some clues are available to me, though: when I let my mind wander and play, it drifts to Paris. Nostalgia for my trips there, French cuisine and the more-grounded lifestyle for which they are so well reputed. There is a whisper in my ear that this is the direction in which my happiness and fulfillment lie.

Side note: just when in the fucking Hell are these blog postings going to be joyous, triumphant boasts about how stupidly happy and successful I am to be living this life? GodDAMMIT, every day that doesn't happen is a sin against humanity and I should be ashamed of myself.

Anyhow... Why am I not studying art? European history? What could be more grounding and basic and satisfying than learning to cook French or Mediterranean food? I haven't looked at my French textbooks in ages! What, do I think I'm going to live forever, that I can afford to waste the time that's been given to me, and not pursue these things? (Don't worry, this is how I psyche myself into embracing changes that require any effort. I'll be done in a minute.)

Maybe these discomfitures are symptoms that I'm off my true path, like the noise and smell from the engine of a car that's been driven on flat tires (bear with me; if a shitty metaphor is the cost of personal growth, at this point it's a bargain; I need answers so, so badly).

I've got to find a way to connect with the real me, my higher power, my true calling, my rainbow elephant (again, small price to pay) or whatever lets me get back into the groove I've so abjectly lost and so woefully need.

The answers are there. The tools are within my reach. Let's get cracking, motherfucker.

Wish I were here

It's a beautiful, overcast day in Paris.

Don't take my word for it: http://www.earthcam.com/france/paris/

Panting

Having trouble keeping up lately. An insufficient amount of my creative desires are being exploited, due to poor time management, exhaustion, and general frazzled-ness.

My frustration at this inability is driving me mad. I am trying to adjust my expectations accordingly, down from: "I can do every little thing that occurs to me," to: "if I make to work and back, I should be happy with that; all else is gravy." It's a grudging admission, but necessary.

Even my numbed self-awareness is telling me that something isn't working for me. I am not living that higher-purposed existence that spiritual and self-help gurus are always on about; the joyous synergy that comes from doing what you love in a way that fulfills and rewards.

I need a change, but I don't yet know what it is. Ah well, back to work. I'll figure it out someday. Unless of course I don't.

Be yourself, for God's sake

I am unimaginative. I am a lobotomy patient. I have taken several blows to the head in my life and am too lazy to think for myself, not even the simplest mouthings of the voice in my head I call my Self. I cannot be bothered to ape the most basic, original utterance to the world

I am deathly afraid someone might get to know the real me and not like me, so I copy N paste the most hackneyed tripe ...I can find on the social networking pages I stumble into in order to "connect" with people I barely know, squandering the opportunity, unprecedented in the known universe, to connect with people regardless of not only distance but culture, heritage, race, religion or social status. I am a sad, thoughtless individual, and I don't deserve the gift of life nor the blessing of a sentient brain and the chance to use it.

Copy N paste this to as your status for an hour if you want someone to put a bullet in your empty little head and end the suffering we all feel when we read sad, pointless status updates like this.

Paris webcam

This is a great Paris/Eiffel Tower webcam. Unlike the few others I've found (really, Paris? Only a couple webcams??), this one is clear and has good enough play that you can watch birds and clouds fly by.

Nifty. Magnifique.

River Deep, Mountain High

River Deep Mountain High

When I was a little girl, I had a rag doll
Only doll I've ever owned
Now I love you just the way I loved that rag doll
Only now my love has grown

It gets stronger in every way
It gets deeper, let me say
It gets higher day by day

Do I love you my, oh, my?
River deep, mountain high, yeah, yeah
If I lost you would I cry?
Oh, how I love you baby, baby, baby, baby

I found this song on a Tina Turner greatest hits-type CD, and I love it. It has what my limited musical vocabulary describes as a boogie beat, a lotta horns, just a good song. It talks about the depth and breadth of love for another human being in real and human terms; expressive without being fancy. Very down to earth.

I played it for my wife, and she didn't get it. She didn't like the style of music, didn't understand Tina's lyrics due to her screeching (some might say, wrenching wail, in a good way) style. The whole thing left her cold. When you're trying to express to someone how you feel about them in another medium, the blunt force trauma of the dearth of connection there is chilling indeed.

Why is it so hard to make these connections? Why is the chill of rejection, even minor or imagined rejection on such a small scale, so bitterly cold? I used to think I was immune to the pain of social isolation, and maybe I was. But if I was numb or emotionally armored for years, that desensitivity has vanished, that armor has turned brittle and flaked away.

The kicker, the proof in this pudding, was my trip to Paris, France this past spring (yet another eye-opening revelation from a trip to Paris, this one not necessarily as welcome as the last). I was so horribly lonely, desperate for human contact of a sort that I could not achieve; what anguish. Now that I'm back, I can't deny that the sensation persists, if much less acutely.

I think I was happier with my social blinders in place; this new sensation is anything but pleasant. It's like an ache in the bones before the coming rain; I'd much rather just depend on the weather report, and leave the discomfiting forecast out of it. Apparently I have no choice in the matter.

Just as hunger is an excellent motivator, maybe this gut-borne longing will propel me to do or find or go to or be something useful or valuable. I hope so. My friend Joe believes in an ultimate sense to be made of these types of things, a cosmic logic; I hope he's right. 'Cuz this malaise is just a nagging misery at this point, and I'd just as soon be rid of it.

Doing OK

Life has been interesting these days. And strangely better. I'm writing a little more, which has been a real problem. Seems like that's easing and improving.

Met some pals and made s'mores with the kids last night. What a good night.

Michelle smiled at me today. Nice.

I mean: "I'm fine, how are you?"

Gravity. Bacteria. Entropy.
They are but hungry, tenacious wolves
patiently waiting to pull us down
expose our guts to the cold sunlight
and draw us inexorably back into mother nature's deathly silent embrace.

A strange and intrinsic longing

I'm surprised at how quickly nostalgia sets in.

My trip to Paris is well under two months old, and you can already find me mooning pathetically over Google Maps's street view of the unromantic location of the hotel in which I stayed. This, even though the second week of my trip served nothing if not to confirm that it was a week too long.

I met two people in my travels who were the sufficient combination of interesting and approachable that I could suggest keeping in touch. Both readily shared their contact information, but neither have responded to my attempts at contact. The cynic in me is quick to nod and say: "I knew it," and remind me that they're in the hospitality industry, one that people don't necessarily choose there so much as they capitulate to it until other arrangements can be made. The cynic goes on to speculate (he's still long-winded despite my efforts to deprive him of oxygen) that even the friendliest waiters and hotel clerks must gnash their teeth at the thought of extra-curricular contact with their guests.

That perspective doesn't save me from the sad disappointment of unanswered e-mails. I also admit to the internal (if not eternal) optimist, who fancifully and unrealistically hoped to make a distant contact or two, fostering a human connection that would span geographic and cultural divides. The optimist takes these setbacks with as much dignity as can be expected, and struggles to endure, even despite the extra coaxing and oxygen that's been diverted to him from his pessimist sibling.

Still, it's not all gloom: I hope to make an appointment with a local friend and fellow Paris-lover to go over the details of my trip and wistfully mull the charms of the city we both love. Also, I recently took inventory of the remaining souvenirs and scraps of paper from my trip, sharing them with my son. While he is immune to the effects of nostalgia, he did find a surprising degree of joy in the sugar candies I saved for him. Nothing fancy, just the shiny-wrapped bits you get in the tray with your bill at a restaurant.

It's funny where you can find life's little rewards.