An old enemy comes creeping back

What's my problem?

At my last job, as I've written before, I allowed an unhealthy frame of mind to dictate the structure of my work, allowed a cranky, negative voice to rent space in my head.

It's not all just my weak-mindedness, although that does play its part. It's a condition brought on by too much to do, the unwillingness to say 'no' to more projects when asked, and an inability to compartmentalize and maintain perspective under stress.

There, I said it. Typing it out makes it feel like a dirty secret, but I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about. It's precisely that compulsion to deny a problem that exacerbates it. Follow that line, and before you know it, you get a repeat of two or three years that were among the shittiest in my life, culminating in the monstrosity that was early 'o7. Let's not do that again, shall we?

It causes me to lose what is probably the best asset of my personality: my sense of humor. I lose that, I might as well shoot myself. It's the only thing that balances out my cynicism, my negativity. I can easily imagine every good person in my life dropping me like a hot turd in that event.

What to do? Luckily, solutions are available.

Do more. One thing I have found to be as reliably true as anything else in this life is that if you want more, give more. Do more. Be more. Working to do less and less, avoiding work and responsibility creates an internal culture of fear and withdrawal, making it impossible to grow and break new ground. However, working to maintain a positive, even aggressive attitude, saying to the world: "I shall stop fearing the world; rather, let them fear what I may do" is hugely more useful and productive. It projects my focus outward, leaving less attention for navel gazing and fixation on the self, especially the negative aspects thereof.

I find that if I abandon the opportunity to goof off at work, to eschew procrastination, I can get through intimidating tasks more easily than expected. Putting my head down and actually doing what I'm paid to do allows me to reach a point where secondary, even leisure activities can be addressed without shame or unfavorable consequences. Sloughing off tasks is a seductive but poor habit to get into.

This is not the last word in pulling my head out of my ass. There must be additional answers and techniques involved with improving my workplace happiness and attitude. But, this is likely a cornerstone of a comprehensive solution. Good for me.

Get a job

I am working my way back towards gainful employment. Once a little snag with my driving privilege clears up, I'll be fully on the make for a paying gig.

Hopefully, I will be able to form a healthier relationship with my next employer than my last, but that's up to me. Last time 'round, I so closely associated the job with survival that I got to a place where every single bump in the road went straight to my central nervous system, and stress was manufactured by the metric ton. I simply could not let things go. I shudder to recall that state of being. Yeck. Having not had a regular job for what, 18 months now, I realize that there's no threat from one single job, manager or workplace worth twisting your nuts up in a bunch for. If I can practice this realization, I just might be free to enjoy myself at the next gig. And when Tommy's having fun, it's really something...

Which leads me to my next point

There's something else - since I am back to looking for a new job, I am faced with the internal conundrum of choosing jobs that look like shit, but might pay a little better, or jobs that interest me. Hell, most days I'd be happy for a shot at either one individually. It ties into self-confidence in the same way the above paragraphs tie into a sense of survival. My self-worth, for some reason, hovers just above the toilet when scanning employment ads, making any good-paying job seem beyond what I deserve. This is also not a healthy state of mind, and I need to move past it. Let's have some affirmations, shall we?

You're a good person, and you deserve good things. Great things, even. Insist upon them.
Money follows happiness - find a job you might like, and riches will follow.