Lava Lamp

Two weeks since my last post, and my mind is a ridiculous lava lamp.

I continue to feel less scattered, more integrated, which is a welcome relief. Feels healthy.  Announcing to myself that I can set comedy aside has allowed me to shed the weighty, negative feelings of isolation and regret that were jabbing at me.

What's ironic is that now that I feel stronger, I feel tempted to do more, including comedy! My April 7th comedy gig now includes an hour's stint on local morning radio; new opportunities like this seduce and excite my mercurially unreliable intellect. I have the technical ability to do websites, podcasts, live shows and more. How tempting it is to try; they are wonderful, exciting productions (and huge responsibilities to shoulder once my manic buzz is gone).  Agh! These bursts of optimism are most frustrating! As you can see I have trouble managing the rise and fall.  If you're a mental health professional, feel free to Comment.

I feel like I used to be more at peace with these things, finding ways to swim in the tide's ebb and flow, rejoicing successes more and regretting less the areas where I've "failed" myself. I'd like to return to that level of harmony one of these days. Maybe it's just a conscious decision to let myself off the hook. What a concept, to simply live in a joyful state of mind. I am suspicious of the idea that humans are built to do that, but it's excruciatingly tantalizing.

If I could clone myself, the first thing I would do is turn around and slap myself for these constant, jarring reversals of fortune. I will work more on loving myself for the silly human I am.

Narcissus in print

I have a weakness.

Okay, I have many, but the one I'm addressing today is my love of the sound of my own voice, in print. When I write something and it goes well, I can't help but read it over and over. It's proofreading made mental masturbation.

Greek mythology includes a character called Narcissus, who was so vain that he was cursed by the love of his own reflection so abject that he starved at the edge of a pool, so reluctant was he to leave his own image.

I have my vanities, but I don't think this is one of them. The ability to shit out a thought (granted, this phrase is not among the prettier ones I have wrought) and turn around and look at it scratches a very basic itch. I can feel it dance along the tiny nerves and neurons that conspired to give it life, little cerebral high-fives as it retraces the steps it took on the way out of my brain.

Then again, it may be the nature of vanity, that one doesn't realize or want to realize that it is vanity. That just adds to my assertion that it's a weakness. An indulgence, certainly!

Get a job

I am working my way back towards gainful employment. Once a little snag with my driving privilege clears up, I'll be fully on the make for a paying gig.

Hopefully, I will be able to form a healthier relationship with my next employer than my last, but that's up to me. Last time 'round, I so closely associated the job with survival that I got to a place where every single bump in the road went straight to my central nervous system, and stress was manufactured by the metric ton. I simply could not let things go. I shudder to recall that state of being. Yeck. Having not had a regular job for what, 18 months now, I realize that there's no threat from one single job, manager or workplace worth twisting your nuts up in a bunch for. If I can practice this realization, I just might be free to enjoy myself at the next gig. And when Tommy's having fun, it's really something...

Which leads me to my next point

There's something else - since I am back to looking for a new job, I am faced with the internal conundrum of choosing jobs that look like shit, but might pay a little better, or jobs that interest me. Hell, most days I'd be happy for a shot at either one individually. It ties into self-confidence in the same way the above paragraphs tie into a sense of survival. My self-worth, for some reason, hovers just above the toilet when scanning employment ads, making any good-paying job seem beyond what I deserve. This is also not a healthy state of mind, and I need to move past it. Let's have some affirmations, shall we?

You're a good person, and you deserve good things. Great things, even. Insist upon them.
Money follows happiness - find a job you might like, and riches will follow.