Job life, in my head

Mornings are a lot busier these days. Coffee is still a necessity, and the time to drink it is a carefully guarded luxury.

Man, I hate the learning curve. Everybody knows all the ins and outs I'm trying to comprehend, and they watch as I stumble over the simplest details. Makes you feel like a fool. It ties directly into the stress center of my brain, and I'm building quite a case of anxiety over it. It is a challenge to route all this effort and concern somewhere, if not positive, at least not harmful. I get so frustrated not to be up to speed right away.

I'm a good worker and a natural helper. I hope I get on top of the technical specifics quickly and start spinning dog shit into gold. I like being a benefit, and this company seems nice enough; I'd like to show them what I can do.

What I really need to do is get control of how I view my job, my self, and my satisfaction level between the two. Right now my buttons become too easily pushed and I too quickly become pushed to the wall, in my head. I need some compartmentalization. I don't think most other people get this flustered and head right to DEFCON 5. In the past this trait has served me by allowing me to push harder and perform when I didn't want to. But older Me doesn't have the infrastructure anymore to burn oil to get through a problem; it doesn't feel like a struggle followed by a win anymore. It just feels like struggle. Bah.

My boss communicates and works in a way that presents a lot of chaos, and a demand that it get sorted out. I think I've described it this way before, but it feels like a bomb going off, with the expectation that one catch all the pieces. I had this feeling at the pool company I worked for, and it burned like acid for months, until I stumbled dumbly into each answer, little by little. It could have been so much less traumatic, but the training wasn't there. There is a similar dynamic at the current place, where the gulf between what I know and what they think I need to be taught is wide. I feel like it could be getting done better, and a smoother, more-productive start could be had.

Ah well. Such are the joys of life. At worst, I suppose, the hand will come to be placed on my shoulder, and the boss will announce "it's not working out..." There, that is the base of my fear, or at least it should be, and it's not so frightening. No, my stress is tied to something deeper in my brain, something murkier and less apparent than losing a recently-acquired job. I should find and cut this troublesome connection.

I tried meditating again this morning. I spent five minutes in a quiet room, focusing on my breath. I try it now and then, but I know that a constant, disciplined habit is the path to improvement there, as with so much in my undisciplined life. But it was good for what it was. I would love to reap the benefits of a more controlled brain. Wouldn't that be something!

I suppose it's one of the reasons I'm trying to stick with this blog again; it seems like I had more clarity or least a more-flexible mind back when I was blogging. As if this is a form of meditation itself. Anyway, I like doing it. But time is so limited these days...