It's my birthday today! What to say, what to say... Well, several things.
I'm almost better off without holidays altogether. I don't deal with them well, and I may never learn to. For example, I spent the entire morning on Father's Day peeling the silver lining off of every cloud within reach and discarding it, and focusing on every negative I could find. Wonderful gifts from my wife? Bah- I just realized how badly she made out on Mother's Day when I didn't treat her half as well. Having loved ones over later? Bullshit - so much work to do!
Eck - Paula would be appalled. It got better when I was able to tell my wife about it - just speaking it out loud to her helped me get it out of my head.
The rest of the day went pretty well - my Dad, Denise and Michelle's Dad came over, and we put together a pile of food. I had a great time, I think they did, too.
I really struggle every year with the idea of a birthday party. Usually, this is because of low self-esteem and my own terrible habit of doubting whether I "deserve" the fuss of a birthday party. This year, we decided not to have one, mainly because we're broke. We're so broke that when we say we're broke, we give the word two syllables and a lusty inflection: "buh-
roke!" Not only are parties expensive, but we live far enough away that it feels like such an imposition getting several-to-a-few-dozen people up here, we're almost better off not asking. See the low self-esteem portion a few sentences back.
Anyhow, no party this year, and that's okay with me. At least I think it is. Some years, I declare that no trouble should be undertaken, and the next day I regret it bitterly, and wonder how I could have foolishly let the opportunity slip by. I am a nut, and impossible to live with. My wife deserves canonization.
Birthdays are also a time for reflection.
Reflection one: I don't feel 36, but boy, do I look it. I don't mind gray hair at all - what little significance it holds in my mind is actually a positive, similar to a badge of courage. I've earned every silvery one of these damned things, they're my right as a world-weary basket case and don't you dare take them from me. I'm fatter than I want to be, though, and if I were to consider a birthday a milestone, I would like the next one to see me 20 pounds slimmer. I just don't feel like
me with this life-preserver of flab around the middle. I've earned it, just as rightly as the gray hair, but emotionally, I reject it.
Reflection two: Is this all there is to my accomplishments? When I was little, say, elementary school age, I watched as all these grown-ups, 16 to 60 years old flitted from one objective to the next, determined in their paths. They looked so focused in their objectives, so certain. Now, I realize they were simply busy, and that one should not mistake action for certainty, commotion for creation. These people had simply stacked up enough to do that they didn't leave time to sit around and doubt (or think).
I know this now, but it's too late - by the time I was twelve, I had it firmly programmed in me that by the time I was twenty five (
certainly thirty!) that I would have all this shit worked out, make a pile of money, and all there would be left to do was boss little people like myself around and make them go to school when they didn't want to. Now, I'm thirty-six, barely have a handle on anything. Some people never figure things out, become the least bit enlightened, or fit anything near the mold I thought I saw when I was eleven. Some of them can smell it on the wind that there is more out there, and hate their ignorance like I do, and some are as happy as pigs in shit never getting past the simplest existence. Which of the two groups has it right? The randomness of life on this planet is thrilling and terrifying.
Whew - that was some serious mental spelunking, I better take a break. Lucky for me, my wife allowed/encouraged me to open many of my birthday gifts early, so I've got just a pile of wonderful toys and books to play with, read and rub all over my body in a rush of material wealth.
If you need me, I'll be in the pile...
