Success, failure, rage and wasted DVD's

The last day or two have been pretty good, whether it shows or not. I have been cleaning things up, fixing things, and it gives my soul an erection for two reasons: the homestead looks better as a result (aligning more closely with what I consider to be the correct state of being), and I live for a feeling of accomplishment.

Today, all that came to and end, and despite my best, and I mean my best efforts, the day has hit the wall as far as accomplishment is concerned. I am frustrated at every effort. I am trying not to take it personally, as one of my biggest disappointments was that Nero Express 3 wouldn't burn a DVD for me, but would happily destroy blank DVD after blank DVD in the attempt, chewing them up and spitting them out like a digital wood-chipper. It is comforting to me that it's not my failing that the damned program is boning the dog, it's the program that can't seal the deal. Even so, it is painfully disappointing that I can't complete a simple task, for which I apparently have the hardware, software and skill. That it won't occur makes me feel as if I am an orphan of reality, for whom the laws that I have come to live by have suddenly been repealed. The sun has taken the day off, and the morning sky is carelessly, even spitefully, dark.

It's more than DVD burning. I am learning not to be stubborn when things don't go my way, but it's tough. For the first 25 years of my life, it has seemed a virtue to put my head down, grit my teeth and plug away all the harder when results aren't what you require. Tenacity was the watchword, but I am learning there is more to determination than obstinacy, but I am slow to learn, slow even to realize things aren't working and it's time to slow down and pay attention long enough to take a lesson.

So today, I am shutting down the machinery early in the cycle of crashing into the wall of unsuccess. Put the (figurative) knife down, and back away, before I do something I can't undo: break material goods, hurt someone's feelings, etc.

And so, deeply I breathe, slowly I move, and carefully I speak, before I bite off a head or lash out.