The Hyena Men of Abuja

Wow. Pieter Hugo has a fascinating story and pictorial record of a troupe of Nigerian performers who keep and use baboons, snakes and hyenas for a traveling show. The photos themselves are amazing, and the story is wonderfully interesting.

The story touches on many things, including animal rights issues, and the comments section after the post is as rife with passionate and opposing viewpoints as you'd expect. What did surprise me is that some of the comments are pretty thoughtful; I don't see a lot of that, usually.

Speaking for myself, I think an ideal world wouldn't involve the keeping of wild animals as pets, but none of us lives in that ideal world, and certainly not the Hyena Men of Abuja. The complaints against this practice miss the point, and sound a little too much like: "Why don't these guys just get a job??" Good for them for finding a bold, unique way to make an honest buck. I'd pay to see it.

Let's get the obligatory, "I haven't blogged in a while" B.S. out of the way:

Holy shit, has it been more than two weeks since I blogged? Gee.

There, that's better. For a little more thought on that:

As I've mentioned before, I have a problem with focus. When I can arrange my thoughts and efforts toward a specific goal or topic, my ability to remain creative with that goal vanishes. It is a maddening blind spot on my mind's eye. The flip side of that is that when I am forced to labor for another's ends, as most of us are for much of our adult lives, the peripheral items that catch my eye seem to stir up much more useful grist.

In other words, when I'm stuck at work mining for cubicle lint, I am much more likely to dream up and obsess about things that strike my fancy. Things about which I might blog someday. Which brings me to my point:

Whilst I do still toil under the master's yoke, I have been engaging more and more in activities and experiments that, rather than insult and spurn my creativity and such-as-it-is intellect, they yank them in, grind and twist them in their ruthless clockwork and spit them out dirty, tattered and exhausted.

I have more to do and less to bitch about, which makes for a spindly blog entry, especially when you're accustomed to belly-aching about things outside your control.

This turn of events should make for an entirely different and no less interesting blog - one that describes the acquisition of hilltops and slaying of dragons. But it involves a switching of gears that I have hardly pondered until now, much less undertaken. I'm not used to acknowledging solutions and goals attained and describing successes; I find that it puts me back a bit!

In any event, I have been doing more 'doing,' and less postulating and navel-gazing. Therefore, the skimpier blog. This is a good thing. Once I can rework the machinery of my self-expression, it's entirely possible I have much to say.

We'll see!

John Cougar Melancholy

I was fortunate to catch an interview with John Mellencamp on NPR this morning. I'm still a fan of his, having begun listening to his music in the early 80's or so. I enjoyed his songs about loneliness and areas of society (both the corners and the wide-open spaces) brimming with inequity, as well as lighter, more hopeful fare.

I've heard him on the "Bob and Tom Show" syndicated radio program and found him to be surprisingly funny. The NPR interview and his writing on his website revealed him to be surprisingly articulate as well. With all this surprise, you'd think I expected him to be some dull, grunting moron; certainly not. His sense humor was just so well-developed, his written observations and concerns very deep and clearly-expressed. Maybe it's the format of his music that scrambled my expectations: a three-minute song is a very different from an hour-long interview.

Anyway... I digress, but then, that's what this damned blog is for, isn't it?

The point I'm trying to thrash towards is that I haven't bought a Mellencamp album in years, maybe decades. I want to, and it may be largely because of the history and nostalgia I share with an artist whose music I started enjoying during my adolescence. Maybe that's enough.

However, I stopped buying albums because they stopped being any fun for me. For several albums up to that point, the songs had become drearier and sadder, and fewer of them on each album even tried to have hope or humor. The number for the Suicide Hotline should have been printed on each album cover. Specifically, the last music of his that I bought was a CD single of "Key West Intermezzo/I Saw You First." It was a longing work about a girl he saw but didn't approach, or something - it's been years. So, for one thing, I don't know what the fuck an "intermezzo" is, and for me the song was another masochistic wallow in depression.

I also saw what I thought was a strange rise in a techno-pop beat which really threw me. It just wasn't what I thought of when I thought of John Mellencamp. On the other hand, he's always had a rebellious and independent streak, and so I figured: "If this is what he's putting out, it must be what he wants to do," as opposed to something a corporate goon had forced him to do. I figured the artist was moving and growing away from me as a fan, and so I let it go at that.

Has it gotten any different? Is he still banging out despondent tunes with synthesized percussion that alienates me as a listener? I don't know. Judging a book by its cover, I see that his discography since has been largely black-and-white works of a down-looking John M. The NPR interview proclaims: "...Mellencamp is in the midst of a folksy, pessimistic streak on his new album." It doesn't give me a lot of hope.

Has he forgotten the hopeful half of "It's A Lonely Ol' Night?" where a black hole of desperate loneliness is balanced with the prospect of sharing that lonely ol' night with another forlorn soul in the cold emptiness? What about the tragic pointlessness of "Rumble Seat," and how it turns around and declares:

"Tomorrow is a new day
Gonna make these dreams come true
I'm gonna believe in myself
I'll tell you what Im gonna do
I'm gonna stop puttin myself down
I'm gonna turn my life around"

I haven't heard the kind of gritty optimism and insouciant rebellion John had sung in a helluva long while. I miss it a lot. I'll check out some samples on his website, and see if our tastes have adopted closer parallels. I hope so.

Machiavelli doesn't live here

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some people think I'm a little too quick to note my weaknesses, and they have a point. On the other hand, I find that humility agrees with me, and speaking in muted tones about my gifts and being realistic about my flaws keeps my feet nicely on the ground, where I like them.

One strength I do not have is a circuitous, conniving mind, capable of multilayered, manipulative thinking. Whatever abilities are granted to my little simian brain, they are of a straightforward nature, procedural, for better or worse. I am terrible when it comes to gauging what others are thinking, what their next moves are, and why, and how I should play my cards for my own benefit. Although I know for a fact that I could have gone farther in life much faster if I had these types of cognitive skills, I am largely ambivalent about their lack; I am not bitter or regretful about it, but I do recognize where they are handy.

My pathetic compensation for the absence of these skills is that I abhor when they are used against me. If I find that I have been manipulated in such a fashion, I am bitterly spiteful; for that, I carry a grudge like I carry my last ounce of blood. I am profoundly unforgiving when I find I have been tricked or lied to. It's closing the barn door after the horses are gone, but it's what I've got.

Also, I'm not at all comfortable when I sensed they are employed around me. When I catch a whiff of deception and evil guile, I quickly realize I'm in a place I don't want to be, whether it's personal or professional. I am learning to heed that sense of discomfort, and act upon it in a more timely manner.

I wonder if such craftiness is a skill one can learn. If so, I wonder if I would want to learn it. It's tempting...

Social self reflection and the UFC

Oh, goody goody - my UFC fights are on tonight! But it does raise an issue. Allow me to share in the most long-winded manner I can manage. It is my way...

I grew up in a manner that was certainly some form of anti-social. I don't hate people (necessarily), but it was a long time before I learned what a good friend was. I thought I knew at the time, but I was tragically mistaken. Therefore, I kept company that was neither truly fun to be around, nor had my best interests at heart.

This background has resulted in a system of socializing and a view of relationships that could generously be called "quirky." I developed a stunted and odd view of how friendships work, and to this day it confuses me and those around me.

For one thing, I largely equate friendships and social events with drinking. This seems an obvious result of the fact that during my teen years, my acquaintances and I would rarely get together without getting some form of good and loaded, and when we did, the event was considered a failure without exception. Therefore, getting together nowadays without a drink in my hand seems unnatural. What the Hell do people do with themselves? Psh - talk?! You must be kidding. It's awkward, and makes my slightly nervous. It's like smoking after a meal, or peanut butter with jelly - one without the other is all right and everything, but certainly not ideal. I don't necessarily enjoy this condition, I just recognize it.

Another unusual trait is that I don't get lonely, at least in what I understand to be a traditional sense. I've never understood why solitary confinement is such a feared punishment in prison movies and other tales of hardship. I think that Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" was just as well off with his artificial friend Wilson as with just about everyone else in that film. By and large, Sartre had it right - Hell is other people.

Only in recent years has this stoic psychological dam begun to show signs of cracking. Having made what I still consider the right decision to move away from my hometown and acquaintances (as well as most of my wife's friends and family as well), it becomes more practically apparent how isolated we are, geographically as well as socially. My wife isn't as bizarre and fundamentally insane as I am, and I worry that she should be happier with more friends in her life, too.

In any event, this is brought to the fore by the fact that I would really like to invite a buddy over tonight to watch pairs of top-conditioned men beat the Hell out of each other, but the list of potential co-viewers is damned slim. Michelle and I have taken a sloppy slap or two at putting down roots and making friends in our new hometown, but the roots are few and shallow in the soil.

In any event, it's likely too late to invite anyone over, and the festivities are on a weeknight, confusing most peoples' schedules (nice going, UFC President Dana White!). Still, I could make a couple of phone calls, take a shot at it. The fact that I let a few logistical wrinkles stop me from trying just leads me to consider the above personality traits regarding my views on friendship.

What an odd life. Not bad, but odd.

Hooray for me

It's my birthday today! What to say, what to say... Well, several things.

I'm almost better off without holidays altogether. I don't deal with them well, and I may never learn to. For example, I spent the entire morning on Father's Day peeling the silver lining off of every cloud within reach and discarding it, and focusing on every negative I could find. Wonderful gifts from my wife? Bah- I just realized how badly she made out on Mother's Day when I didn't treat her half as well. Having loved ones over later? Bullshit - so much work to do!

Eck - Paula would be appalled. It got better when I was able to tell my wife about it - just speaking it out loud to her helped me get it out of my head.

The rest of the day went pretty well - my Dad, Denise and Michelle's Dad came over, and we put together a pile of food. I had a great time, I think they did, too.

I really struggle every year with the idea of a birthday party. Usually, this is because of low self-esteem and my own terrible habit of doubting whether I "deserve" the fuss of a birthday party. This year, we decided not to have one, mainly because we're broke. We're so broke that when we say we're broke, we give the word two syllables and a lusty inflection: "buh-roke!" Not only are parties expensive, but we live far enough away that it feels like such an imposition getting several-to-a-few-dozen people up here, we're almost better off not asking. See the low self-esteem portion a few sentences back.

Anyhow, no party this year, and that's okay with me. At least I think it is. Some years, I declare that no trouble should be undertaken, and the next day I regret it bitterly, and wonder how I could have foolishly let the opportunity slip by. I am a nut, and impossible to live with. My wife deserves canonization.

Birthdays are also a time for reflection.

Reflection one: I don't feel 36, but boy, do I look it. I don't mind gray hair at all - what little significance it holds in my mind is actually a positive, similar to a badge of courage. I've earned every silvery one of these damned things, they're my right as a world-weary basket case and don't you dare take them from me. I'm fatter than I want to be, though, and if I were to consider a birthday a milestone, I would like the next one to see me 20 pounds slimmer. I just don't feel like me with this life-preserver of flab around the middle. I've earned it, just as rightly as the gray hair, but emotionally, I reject it.

Reflection two: Is this all there is to my accomplishments? When I was little, say, elementary school age, I watched as all these grown-ups, 16 to 60 years old flitted from one objective to the next, determined in their paths. They looked so focused in their objectives, so certain. Now, I realize they were simply busy, and that one should not mistake action for certainty, commotion for creation. These people had simply stacked up enough to do that they didn't leave time to sit around and doubt (or think).

I know this now, but it's too late - by the time I was twelve, I had it firmly programmed in me that by the time I was twenty five (certainly thirty!) that I would have all this shit worked out, make a pile of money, and all there would be left to do was boss little people like myself around and make them go to school when they didn't want to. Now, I'm thirty-six, barely have a handle on anything. Some people never figure things out, become the least bit enlightened, or fit anything near the mold I thought I saw when I was eleven. Some of them can smell it on the wind that there is more out there, and hate their ignorance like I do, and some are as happy as pigs in shit never getting past the simplest existence. Which of the two groups has it right? The randomness of life on this planet is thrilling and terrifying.

Whew - that was some serious mental spelunking, I better take a break. Lucky for me, my wife allowed/encouraged me to open many of my birthday gifts early, so I've got just a pile of wonderful toys and books to play with, read and rub all over my body in a rush of material wealth.

If you need me, I'll be in the pile...