I Can't Hear Myself Think

I need time to myself sometimes. I don't just like it, want it or appreciate it. I need it. It's just a part of who I am.

My personal life (which is the only life I live that matters at all) has been dominated of late by a creeping oppression - that of noise pollution, bordering upon self-specific torture. It's a subtle form of psychological warfare that is particularly effective on me.

Unfortunately, it's also a part of who I am that I don't insist upon periods of solitude. I give away blocks of time that would be better spent in solitary pursuits, as far as my mental health is concerned. And hey, let me be honest: these chunks of time that I "give away" aren't necessarily some golden, blissful, heartwarmingly familial moments. I am well beyond the point where I suffer silently or happily, trying to watch a television show that I can't hear, or maintain a train of thought that is periodically but reliably disrupted like a television broadcast with a cheap Chinese vacuum cleaner running nearby.

An example: I received a much appreciated gift, a DVD, for Christmas that I immediately wanted to watch. I couldn't wait to see this show. Today, a full month later, I got to watch it unmolested. I've tried several times to sit down, take a deep breath and watch 90 measly minutes of private, quiet, televised entertainment, and it took me a whole month to set aside that kind of time.

Clearly I don't brook irritation well like I used to; I'm no longer that tough. God help me, I'm petty and reactionary, and I seethe and mope and glare and become more volatile. I wait until I'm completely fed up before I decide to abandon the situation, and storm off - what a little kid I am. Who but a child does that?

Yeesh...

I'm still looking for a solution to this predicament, that correct course of action that pleases everybody. I know from experience that such solutions exist, if you have the right brand of wisdom. Unfortunately, such breakthroughs usually come to me externally. Either they appear as a sudden epiphany, or as someone else's suggestion. Rarely am I able to achieve the clarity needed to think myself out from between a rock and a domestic hard place.

Once I find it, I feel it will untie the knot I have found in my personal life, making peace with both my family (I love my family) responsibilities and my own desires for peace, time and creativity. The sooner the better, because I want to be a good person to my family, and to myself.