What a week

It's the end of the week.

What's more, it's the end of a vacation week, and in advance of my vacation I had promised myself that I wouldn't end it by having nothing more to show for it than a pile of clean laundry.

As I write this, I am finishing up a load of whites.

But: I am resolute in pointing out that although I didn't take a class, nor visit an exotic locale, neither was the time wasted.  I spent all of Monday and other times this week with my son, playing and talking and playing some more. There's a deficit there that needed addressing, and we both benefited from it.

I downloaded and read from top-to-bottom Chris Hardwick's "The Nerdist Way - How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life)."  I thoroughly enjoyed this book.  It helps that I've been a fan of Hardwick's for years, cementing an affection for his ethos and his personality.  Not only is he funny and smart, he is also sincere and sufficiently deep that I would pay for his advice on how to improve my own mental/physical/spiritual throughput. I'm glad that I did.

This detour into self-improvement is part of a building and evolving need within me, an acknowledgment that well, shit is fucked up around here (around here being inside my head and anywhere within my realm of influence). I'm dissatisfied with so many things these days, even with the results of past efforts to change them over the medium-term.

It reminds me of my reaction to news of someone's suicide (anyone's in general). It's a common and healthy reaction, perhaps you've had it as well. Upon hearing that someone took their own life out of depression and desperation, you think to yourself: "How could someone do that? My God, if things are that bad, you can always..." with the "dot, dot, dot" being progressively more outrageous options to snuffing out the only life you're guaranteed to have. Things like: like changing your name, shaving your head and moving far, far away; anything that breaks the cycle of desperation.

It's funny though; that cycle looks different from the inside. I'm not suicidal or even depressed, but I've been fairly desperate lately, for a good while.  Things have been unsatisfying for some time, for more than one reason. One reason is that I'm just not pleased with my current situation as a whole.

Another is my inability to appreciate the good things with which I am surrounded on a daily basis (which I know is stupid, but there it is).  I've got family who cares about me, friends also, and a full-time job that could be way, way worse, even aside from not having one at all. Part of the problem is that all these great pieces don't fit together; it's like they're parts from different puzzles, and I can't figure out why my beautiful city skyline has a blue whale in the middle of it.

Finally, I've tried to deal with this uncomfortable arrangement of mental furniture by inebriating myself, numbing my head to the aforementioned "yuck" sensations. Not too much, but more than is good. Sadly, it hasn't worked to a sufficient degree, and what's worse, it has seriously eroded into the qualities I liked about myself: my intellect, and my sense of humor.  Without these, I am nothing.

In addition to intoxication, I just eat like crap most of the time, get almost no exercise and treat myself like a cheap rental car in general. It all came into focus this week during a dental exam where the results of a year's shitty maintenance threw bad teeth, gums and high blood pressure to the forefront. Do you know how bad it must be when a dentist stops and says: "Hmm, let's stop and check your BLOOD PRESSURE?" Not even in this guy's wheelhouse.  This is like a chiropractor saying: "Let's set your spine aside and examine this GAPING WOUND for a minute." It's gotta be pretty bad.

And so this week, I've had time and presence of mind to get my head's shit together, enough to make a few rational, calm decisions.  This has given me some hope, which in turn helps me make better decisions, etc.

Happily and by the way, I've had an acquaintance ("friend?" I guess you could say that) respond to a recent anguished cry into the universe (or as I call it: "Facebook") with a sympathetic pat on the back and  a supportive nod. I could have cried when I received this unexpected gesture of solidarity, and it meant the world to me. This is to say nothing of the oodles of bolstering provided by my wife and some others in my regular realm of social interaction, but the unexpectedness of it was truly touching.

I don't want to overstate it, but this week has certainly seen a definite improvement.  And I didn't even have to shave my head!