I need a new kink

Man, I am so bored with life. What a pathetic statement that is - bored people are boring people - but it's true, so why hide from it?

I feel numb and disinterested. Nothing drives my mania lately, leaving me to wander and drift. I need something to invade my mind, fully engulf it with unreasonable desire, push me to spend ridiculous amounts of time involved in its demanding pursuit every day. A pitiless lover, sadistic, needy and cruel, wanting nothing from her subjugate so much as simply: more.

The only thing I do everyday now is drink beer and chase my ass in this circular, existential stupidity. Ridiculous, indeed!

I am not depressed, like I was not so long ago. For that, I'm extremely grateful. Not so long ago, I was almost completely disabled, paralyzed by formless despair. Now, I simply recognize that something is missing. It was brought into sharper focus yesterday when I spent an absolutely sublime afternoon spending time with musicians and other interesting people. Watching Levi Huffman and his friends drill away on their instruments, weaving long, winding tunes, it nailed to the inside of my skull proof of where ongoing pursuit of a goal, relentlessly scratching an itch inside your head, can take you. It's been a long time since a passion took up residence in my dome, but I remember what it was like. I miss it. I yearn for the condition where a dominating force provides energy and desire that seem both internal and external at the same time. A special form of madness, putting the pedal down somewhere in my psyche.

Bored. Disinterested. Numb. No pain, no brain. I want to cut through the callous, peel away the shell. Feel. Want. Burn. Get some gas in the tank, spike it with some nitrous oxide.

So... what? I have my health, most of my marbles, all my fingers and toes. I am very fortunate in the array of choice I have before me, even just the ones my tunnel vision allows me to see: website design (yeah, I don't think so), digital video, guitar... The list goes on and is generous. Hell, I'd settle for the abject pursuit of greed, if I could fall into it and get some traction. At least making some money would ease the pinch in our financial state.

I think I'll put an invisible "Vacancy" sign on my forehead, try to take in a new resident up in the ol' noggin.